The brightest lights in the international drug trafficking industry fêted their own last night at the star-studded Druggie awards in Panama City, Panama. The 3rd annual award show celebrated excellence and achievement in the field of global drug crime.

The notoriously territorial drug cartels put their differences aside once a year to celebrate the shared spoils of their $300 billion a year industry. Although the night’s statuettes were widely spread between Latin American cocaine cartels and Old World heroin runners, the biggest star of the night was perhaps the U.S. government – whose opposition to sensible drug laws make brutal global drug syndicates possible.

The United States claims to oppose the illegal drug trade, however many economists argue that U.S. prohibition laws actually feed the practice by raising the price of drugs like cocaine and heroin and thus increasing the incentive to produce and distribute them.

“Now I own three Ferraris and can rape any woman I want. This one if for you Uncle Sam! “

José “La Cabra” Delgado a leading figure in Mexico’s drug wars and a triple winner for Best Escape, Best Shootout, and Best Gang-Rape brought the point home in an acceptance speech from the heart:

“If it weren’t for the Americans in Washington I wouldn’t be able to generate the revenue I need for my army of mercenaries and rapists. When I started – all I had was myself, my brother, and a few local thugs from our neighborhood. Now I own three Ferraris and can rape any woman I want. This one if for you Uncle Sam! ”

Delgado then led the crowd in a chant of U-S-A !, U-S-A !, U-S-A !, U-S-A !

The audience later rose to their feet and ended the night with a heavily accented and stirring redtition of the Star Spangled Banner – the U.S.’s national anthem.

When contacted by The Daily Currant a U.S. state department sportsperson had no comment on the night’s events and reiterated the U.S. government’s commitment to the “war on drugs”.


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