American anti-tax crusader Grover Norquist has shocked the U.S. political establishment by expatriating himself to the East African nation of Somalia, The Daily Currant can reveal.
Until last week the 61 year old Norquist had led the powerful Washington pressure group Americans for Tax Reform, best known as the originator of a pledge which forbids members of the U.S. Congress from raising taxes under any circumstances.
Nearly all Republican congresspeople in Washington have signed the pledge, whose immutability critics say hinders the possibility of a compromise solution to America’s budget crisis.
“Somalia in many ways is a utopia.”
Those critics have grown to include several prominant Republicans in the past few weeks, including former governor Jeb Bush of Florida, who recently lambasted Norquist’s pledge in front of Congress.
With conservative support for his no-tax policies now cracking, Norquist has been forced to move to Plan B.
Rather than live in an America where tax rates on high-income earners could potentially rise above 35%, he has decided instead to resign from his organization, sell his Washington D.C. home and purchase a compound in the Northern Somaili city of Bosaso – where the lack of a central government means he can live 100% tax-free.
Tax Hawk Down
“I’ve given up on fighting Big Government in the U.S. Its unstoppable.”, says Norquist on his satellite phone “Somalia in many ways is a utopia. Tax rates are zero and there’s no government meddling in the economy whatsoever.”
Although it may be a utopia on paper, Bosaso’s lack of basic sanitation services, fire protection, police, and healthcare mean Norquist will be paying out of pocket for necessities normally taken for granted in the U.S.
Norquist’s $1 million compound will be protected a private army of 10 solders recruited from a local militia. A private doctor from Italy has been retained to serve himself and his family. A waste managment company from Dubai has been contracted to handle sanitation, and 4 local youths are being trained by American fireflghters to serve in Norquist’s personal firehouse.
“This is really the ideal place to retire,” says Norquist “The cost of living is higher than you expect, but at least you don’t have to live anywhere near someone middle class.”
Norquist says the best part about complete absence of central state authority, however, isn’t the lack of government laws – it’s the ability to enforce your own:
“I accidentaly ran over and killed a roadside cigarette salesman the other day,” explains Norquist “No police report. No inditement. No civil lawsuit. No big government meddling itself in my business. Just the cold, invisible bitchslap of the free market.”
“I could have brought him back to my compound to have him treated by my personal physician. But I checked his wallet. No coverage. A day later his family came knocking a few days looking for justice, but it was nothing a couple of AK-47s couldn’t handle.”
A tear wells up in his eye as he thinks of all the freedoms he enjoys in Bosaso he never had in Washiungton D.C.
“I love small government…. It’s fucking beautiful.”