Devil Says Lanza ‘Too Screwed Up’ to Enter Gates of Hell

largeSatan denied school shooter Adam Lanza entry into hell today, saying the recently deceased 20-year-old is “too screwed up” to be admitted to his lair.

The perpetrator of one of the worst mass-murders in American history will be locked in purgatory until the Devil can arrange for him to go someplace else.

In an exclusive interview with The Daily Currant, the Prince of Darkness says that even by his standards, Lanza’s actions went too far:

“I mean I’m all for evil and everything. That’s why I invented malaria and do all my banking at Goldman Sachs. But this is just beyond the pale.

“Who the fuck kills their own mother and then a bunch of little kids? That’s not evil, that’s just fucking messed up.”

In Nomine Diaboli?

Satan explains that while he has committed some evil acts in the past, he would never be involved with such a terrible tragedy:

” I’ve heard a lot of commentary in recent days about how ‘The Devil has come to Newton, CT’ or ‘Satan strikes small town.’ People seem to be implying that I was somehow involved in this senseless attack.”

“I just want to make one thing absolutely clear: I have no affiliation with this fucking psychopath. And I don’t think he deserves to go to hell. He deserves a fate worse than hell.”

The Devil says he’s actively engaged in trying to create an a suitable alternative afterlife for Lanza:

“We’re working with the authorities in purgatory to try to find a long-term solution. I’m hoping we can create some sort of solitary confinement for the soul – a place of everlasting punishment and pain. That’s what he deserves. What a fucking asshole.”

Take Action: Please consider donating to the famlies of the Newton tragedy at Newtown Parent Connection.

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