In a show of bipartisan unity President Obama will ask defeated presidential candidate Mitt Romney to take up an important diplomatic role within his administration, The Daily Currant can reveal.
Multiple sources have confirmed that in the coming days Romney – a former governor of the frigid state of Massachusetts – will be named ambassador to Greenland, a frozen island off Canada’s arctic coast owned by Denmark, a crucial NATO ally.
According to Deputy White House Chief of Staff Alyssa Mastromonaco, the move is designed to help Romney move on from his epic loss in this year’s presidential campaign:
“We know it can be difficult to lose the White House. I mean we don’t know this personally, of course. But from what we’ve heard it can be a tough experience.
“So we just wanted to give Mitt a job in a nice quiet place where he could take things slowly and get his mind off all his troubles back in America.”
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Greenland is the largest island in the world, but has a population of only 60,000 people. Its capital Nuuk is a village of only 15,000 and is 900 miles from Reykjavik, Iceland – the nearest city of any size.
Because Greenland is a dependency of Denmark, the fledgling territory does not have diplomatic relations of its own. However, Mastromonaco says that shouldn’t stand in the way of sending Mitt Romney to its frozen shores:
“We’re very excited to have Mitt be our eyes and ears in the Arctic. We think his experience saving the Winter Olympics will really come in handy. Technically Greenland isn’t a nation-state, so Mitt won’t actually be an ambassador per se. He’ll be more like an informal liason. Just a guy living in a frozen wilderness, trying to make a difference.”
Romney is reportedly very excited about the offer, which represents his first paid job in over 10 years. Family spokesman Tagg Romney explains:
“Of course my father would have preferred to be president. But this is a fantastic opportunity to serve his country in a region of emerging geopolitical importance. Plus you can’t go ice fishing in Washington in the summer. That’s pretty cool.”
However, not everyone is thrilled with the appointment.
Robert Gibbs, a top Obama adviser, has reservations about Romney’s ruthless streak:
“I’m worried he might try to deport the natives or kill all the polar bears for their furs or something. But whatever. It’s just Greenland.”
To optimize media coverage of the event, the official announcement is scheduled for late Friday evening.