NRA ‘Donates’ Assault Rifles to Newtown Survivors

600px-National_Rifle_Association.svgThe National Rifle Association generously donated assault rifles to survivors of the Newtown, CT, massacre today, telling the group that the only way to prevent another attack is to arm themselves to the hilt.

At a press conference in Newtown, NRA President Wayne LaPierre said his organization was sending a free Bushmaster AR-15, the same type of gun used in the shooting, by mail to each and every family with children who survived the Sandy Hook attack.

In a fiery and defiant speech, LaPierre reiterated his credo that “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” and implored the famlies of the surviving children to keep their little ones safe.

“Frankly when I heard about the shooting I was shocked. I mean how irresponsible can these parents and teachers be? There was seriously no one at the school packing an assault rifle? Of course it was a target!

“I have to tell you I was angry. If the adults on site were armed they could have saved lives. But then I realized that maybe through no fault of their own these parents and teachers simply couldn’t afford assault rifles.

“So we’ve started a nonprofit program here at the NRA called Guns For America (GFA), which will send every future victim of a mass shooting the exact same firearm used in the attack. This way these folks will be ready to stop the next one before it starts.”

A Well-Regulated Militia…

LaPierre then called on the federal government to loosen restrictions on more powerful firearms so that GFA can send bigger and better weapons to its beneficiaries.

“If the shooter brings a pistol, you should bring an assault rifle. And if he brings an assault rifle, you should bring a grenade launcher. And if he brings a grenade launcher, then you should bring a bazooka.

“And if he brings a bazooka, then you should bring a tank. And if he brings a tank – which isn’t likely, but anything is possible – then you should seriously consider investing in an anti-tank missile defense system.

“And if you can’t afford an anti-tank missile defense system, don’t worry. The NRA is sponsoring legislation right now that will allow the sale of anti-tank missles on EBay, which should cut costs considerably.

“I promise the citizens of Newtown that we will not rest until every parent in America is packing an assault rifle and every school in America is equipped with an elaborate anti-tank missile system to stop future deranged shooters from launching even more deadly attacks.”

The rifles are expected to be mailed in the coming days. According to an arms control expert, there appears to be no restrictions on sending assault rifles through the mail to people who aren’t expecting them.

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