Glenn Beck Calls 911 After Accidentally Eating Halal Pizza

glenn-beck-0011Conservative radio host Glenn Beck called 911 today after accidentally eating a pizza prepared according to Muslim tradition from a Arab-owned pizzeria.

According to a review of the emergency 911 tapes, the 48-year-old commentator was afraid he had contracted food poisoning from the “contaminated” meal and expressed concern that the restaurant may have links to terrorism. 

The incident began in the offices of the Blaze TV where an employee had ordered out from a new pizza place for lunch.

“I heard really good things about this pizzeria called Mazaras. According to Yelp its like one of the best in Texas,” explains Howard Beale, a producer for Beck’s network. “So I ordered it for the office. And everyone loved it. It was some of the best pizza we’ve ever had.

“But then someone asked me what this word ‘Halal’ on the box meant. And I didn’t know. I figured it was like a style of pizza. You know like New York style, Chicago style, Halal style.

“We were all puzzled by this ‘halal’ thing so we Googled it. And wow were we shocked to find out it was an actually Muslim thing.”

The term halal refers a method of preparing food that is consistent with Islamic teachings. It is comparable to the term kosher in Judaism.

“When he found that out, Glenn immediately started going into panic mode,” Beale says. “After a few minutes in the bathroom he called 911.”

The Daily Currant has exclusively obtained a transcript of the 911 call, which reads as follows:

911 : Hello this 911. What is your emergency?

Glenn Beck: Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Hello? Hello?

911: Hello sir what is your emergency?

Glenn Beck: Yes I think I might have been poisoned.Oh my god, please help. Please.

911: Okay calm down. How do you think you’ve been poisoned?

Glenn Beck: Pizza. I ate a pizza that I shouldn’t have eaten.

911: Okay, so you think you have food poisoning then?

Glenn Beck: Yes ma’am.

911: Do you have any signs and symptoms? Any vomiting? Nausea? Diarrhea?

Glenn Beck: No, nothing like that yet. But I can feel the poison inside of me. I know it’s coming. Please help!

911: Help is on the way sir, don’t worry. What makes you think the pizza you ate was poisoned? Was it undercooked?

Glenn Beck: No no nothing like that.

911: Well then I don’t understand. Did you put something on it?

Glenn Beck: No no. It’s just…I don’t trust the place that it came from.

911: Okay sir where did you get the pizza?

Glenn Beck: Its was from Mazaras in Fort Worth

911: Oh Mazaras? I love that place. Great sauce.

Glenn Beck: Oh yeah? Well did you know that it’s run by Muslims?

911: I did not know that sir. Is that relevant to your problem though?

Glenn Beck: Relevant? Ha! That is the problem. You don’t know what Muslims put in food they prepare for Christians. No one does.

911: Okay…

Glenn Beck: I mean think about it. It’s the perfect opportunity. Millions of unsuspecting Americans. How do you know Al-Qaeda isn’t opening halal restaurants all across the United States right now, just waiting for the right time to strike?

911: Well sir that’s unlik…

Glenn Beck: And the Muslim Brotherhood. Have you seen what they’re doing in Egypt? How do you know they’re not already here in America funding these sleeper cells? Think about it. Family owned restaurant? It’s the perfect cover!

911: So you think that a local Arab pizza place is associated with Al-Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood and might have poisoned you in an act of gastrointestinal terrorism?

Glenn Beck: Exactly.

911: Okay well, paramedics are on their way. Did anyone else eat the pizza with you sir?

Glenn Beck: Yes there were six of us. We’re all gonna flipping die! Just hurry!

The owners of the pizzeria say they are shocked by the incident, saying there’s nothing dangerous about eating halal food.

“It’s basically just making sure we don’t use pork. That’s pretty much the only noticeable difference,” explains Ahmad Rida, owner of the restaurant.

Authorities say that in the end Beck did not have food poisoning. He was diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder and given sedatives to ease his paranoia.

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