The Catholic Church is considering tapping convicted child rapist Jerry Sandusky as its next pope, The Daily Currant can reveal.
According to sources inside the Vatican, the Church believes the unorthodox move would aggressively rebut the “political correctness” of “secular elites” who in recent years have dared to challenge the institution’s rich tradition of systematically protecting child predators from justice.
“These days a lot of people believe that an adult man making love to a child is a bad thing,” explains Cardinal Bernard Law, a member of the papal conclave which will choose the next pope. “But they’re only hearing one side of the story.
“We need to actively counter this false narrative of ‘child rape’ and help people see the beauty in this very special type of God’s love. It’s not about ‘abuse.’ It’s about losing yourself in someone’s eyes and feeling that magic connection.
“Jerry Sandusky has brought the light of God into little hearts everywhere. He’s a real hero to all of us at the Vatican, and would make a great spokesperson for our cause.”
Culus Lux Mea Est
Sandusky is currently serving 30 to 60 years in prison after being convicted on 45 counts of child sexual abuse. The former Pennsylvania State football coach molested young boys for decades before being caught.
The Church hopes to tap Sandusky’s extensive expertise in covering-up child rape, a skill which has become a vital requirement for modern pontiffs.
“Here is a guy who managed to keep child rape hidden for decades,” explains Cardinal Law. “We could use someone like that on our team. We have thousands of rape cases we still need to keep under wraps.
“It’s not that we’re ashamed of these incidents. It’s just, you know, for legal reasons, it’s better to keep things quiet.”
Jerry Sandusky is of Polish and Irish extraction and was raised in a strict Catholic household. However, he has never served as a priest and the position of pope is usually reserved for cardinals.
Thomas Robinson, professor of Catholic history at Georgetown University, explains that Sandusky is in fact eligible to ascend to the papacy.
“Technically the only requirements to be pope are to be Catholic and a male,” he explains. “You don’t even need to be a priest, although the last time a non-priest was elected was in 1379.”
Forgive Us Our Trespasses
Pope Benedict’s shocked the world yesterday by announcing is resignation, the first pope to do so since the Middle Ages. He leaves the office with the church tarnished by sexual abuse cover up scandals in multiple countries including Ireland, the United Sates and Australia.
Although the plan has its critics, sources say picking a child rapist as its leader would be an honest reflection of the Catholic Church’s values and priorities.
There remains, however, one last practical obstacle to Sandusky’s elevation to the papacy – his prison sentence, which under normal circumstances would keep him locked away for the rest of his life.
“Oh that’s no problem,” explains Cardinal Law. “We just need to give Sandusky Vatican citizenship and then ordain him as as priest. Trust me, they can’t keep you in jail if you’re a priest.
“Actually some cardinals would like to keep him in prison even after he’s elected pope. Kinda like a Nelson Mandela thing. But that seems unfair to him. He has a life to lead.”
Asked why the Church would go out of its way to help Sandusky and turn him into their infallible leader, Cardinal Law stated the obvious.
“Nothing’s too good for child rapists. They get the V.I.P. treatment here in the Catholic Church.”