Former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said today he has given up trying to oust his successor Julia Gillard and will instead focus his political energy on unseating New Zealand PM John Key.
The unexpected move comes one day after again failing to replace Gillard in a party coup, the latest in a series of attempts since she removed Rudd in 2010 to become Australia’s first female Prime Minister.
“I feel like I really need to bring a government down,” says Rudd, “But so far Julia has been pretty resistant. So if I have to go across the Tasman, I will.
“I’m not too particular about which country I lead. Canberra, Wellington…its all the same. The most important thing is that I am on top.”
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Rudd’s decision comes as a surprise because he is not an elected MP in Wellington, nor a member of Key’s center-right National Party, nor even a New Zealand citizen. However in a press conference at Canberra International Airport, Rudd argued that the only thing that matters is leadership
“New Zealanders everywhere need to ask themselves – are they better off than they were five years ago? Can they really say they are wealthier, healthier and more secure?
“John Key has lead New Zealand into relative decline compared to Australia. The economic gap between our two countries is widening as incomes here continue to grow at record pace, while they stagnate for average New Zealanders.
“Who’s going to close that gap? Who’s going to make sure the Kiwis get a fair shake? I would bring decades of political experience to Wellington and have the impressive leadership skills required to lead that nation to a new era of prosperity.
“I also speak fluent Chinese, and can promise to negotiate higher export prices from China on milk, wool, and meat products. ”
Rudd is flying to Auckland tonight and is hoping to stake out which parliamentary electorate to stand for as he begins his quest for the premiership.
Sources says that if Rudd’s bid to lead New Zealand fails, he’ll try again in countries like Fiji, Tuvalu, and Nauru. If he does not gain enough support in these pacific micro-states, he still has some options left.
“I’ve always been a fan of Tasmanian nationalism,’ Rudd tells The Daily Currant, “If they agree to make me PM, I might just be able to make them a country – provided that godless, childless wench doesn’t stop me.”
Prime Minister key’s office responded to Rudd’s announcement by suggesting he nominate himself leader of the Ross Dependency, the part of Antarctica claimed by New Zealand.
“I think the penguins might just put up with his personality,” says Key.