Mahmoud-AhmadinejadIran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed Jews today for the “global scourge of erectile dysfunction.”

In a speech broadcast on state television, the Islamic firebrand claimed an international Jewish cabal is provoking male impotence though chemicals in bottled water and then making billions by treating the syndrome with pharmaceutical drugs like Viagra.

In the middle of one of his more typical rants against Israel, the United States, and global Zionism, Ahmadinejad unveiled his latest conspiracy theory.

“One of the most insidious new methods of global Zionist oppression is the effort to sap the life-forces of non-Jews around the world,” he thundered.

“According to my closest advisers, almost 95 percent of Iranian men now have difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection. I have to admit that on very rare occasions, I have had such trouble myself, despite my legendary virility.

“Clearly we see the work of the Zionists in this situation. Why else would good Muslim and Christian men everywhere be suffering this embarrassing lack of manly function?”

Flaccid Argument

Ahmadinejad then detailed how he believes Jews have created this epidemic of male impotence.

“Jewish interests have taken financial control of all the bottled water companies in the world,” he explained. “They have used the dominance to slip chemicals into our bloodstreams, which destroy our ability to become erect.

“Very attractive, sexually vibrant men have unwittingly become victims of this humiliating condition. But the Jew is not content to humiliate his enemies. He must bankrupt them too. And so they have created a cure for this induced disease – drugs such as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

“Hard working men all over the world are spending billions on such cures just to keep themselves sexually viable. Many are facing complete financial ruin.

“And who sells these drugs? Just look at these pharmaceutical companies: Pfizer, Merck, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Glaxo Smith Kline – these are all Jewish names!

“We must unite to fight this conspiracy, beginning with a complete ban on bottled water in our country and a lawsuit seeking compensation for all the money Iranian men have spent on these terribly expensive erection pills.”

Ahmadinejad has been president of Iran since 2005. He is known for his staunchly anti-Jewish views. Political observers in Tehran expect a ban on bottled water to be enacted within weeks.


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