North Korea escalated its feud with the United States today by declaring it will negotiate with America only if it sends former NBA star Michael Jordan as its representative.
The bizarre request will likely add to the already dangerous uncertainty surrounding the intentions of the North Korean regime – which has heavily increased its threats against the U.S. and South Korea in recent weeks.
In a statement read live on national television, a pink-clad newswoman announced that a great country like North Korea would only deal with someone of the stature of “His Airness.”
“North Korea is a nation of Great People and Great Leaders. We refuse to negotiate with ordinary filth. The evil Western snake will not send its tail to come speak with us – it will send its head. Send us only your Greatest, your most Supreme – Michael ‘Air’ Jordan.”
The newswoman then threatened “global destruction” if the nation’s demands were not met in a timely fashion.
“We expect Michael Jordan to be in Pyongyang by midnight Sunday, April 14, or fire from the heavens will rain down upon America and its serpentine allies.
“Explosions will rock the Earth and make all who witness them tremble. Fires will consume your cities until all that remains is ash. Great radioactive clouds will envelop your nation, making it uninhabitable for generations.
“All of this can be a avoided, if Jordan is sent to us in good faith – along with 10,000 pairs of Air Jordan shoes, 10,000 signed Jordan jerseys, and 10,000 bottles of Michael Jordan cologne.”
The North Korean leadership is well known for its love of American basketball, and especially the Michael Jordan-era Chicago Bulls. Former Bulls star Denis Rodman made a trip to North Korea last month in which he personally met with Kim Jong-Un.
A spokesperson for the State Department says the United States is “absolutely not” considering sending Jordan as its negotiator. However, one official admits it would have a certain logic.
“There aren’t many people in the world as arrogant as Kim Jong-Un,” he confides, “and Michael Jordan is certainly one of them. They might just hit it off and avoid this whole war.”