Authorities in New Zealand are struggling to contain a burdgeoning epidemic of beastiality unleashed by its recent legalization of gay marriage.
According to police in cities across the country, thousands of people descended on sheep farms and began sexually penetrating the animals almost instantly after parliament voted for marriage equality yesterday.
“This is a public health crisis,” explains Tony Rydall, minister for health. “We’re seeing reports of sexually transmitted diseases, genital injuries, and severe damage to sheep rectums. It’s absolute mayhem out there.”
Witnesses say that normal, healthy individuals who had previously shown no proclivity for human-animal sexual contact have suddenly thrown themselves into the frenzy.
“I dunno, it just seems like a logical thing to do,” says 25-year-old Angus Oldfield. “Now that gays are allowed to get married, it seems like there’s no limits anymore. Why not shag a sheep? Or snog a salamander? Or wed a wallaby? The rules no longer apply.”
May Good Flourish
The epicenter of the epidemic appears to be the city of Christchurch on the South Island, where police have arrested more than 4,000 people under the bestiality section of the Crimes Act 1961.
“We’re using old airplane hangars as jails now,” explains Peter Marshall, commissioner of the New Zealand Police. “My god why did we do this? Gay marriage has been a catastrophe. We’ll never recover.”
The rapid increase in zoophilia has shocked public health officials, who had hitherto been under the naive assumption that homosexuality was an innocuous consensual activity that had no bearing on the sexuality of others.
However the situation has come as no surprise to Ray Comfort, a New Zealand-based evangelical Christian minister.
“This is exactly what we Christians warned about,” he says. “If you redefine the definition of marriage, you destroy the foundation of sexual morality. All kinds of deviant sexual behaviors become acceptable.
“Gay marriage opens the door to sex with animals, doorknobs, bananas, frozen yoghurt, goldfish – anything you can think of. Sheep are only the beginning.”
American anti-gay activist Rick Santorum, who once warned that gay marriage would lead to “man-on-dog sex” also feels vindicated.
“I hate to say I told you so,” he says, “but I think this speaks for itself.”
New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is expected to address the nation tonight and announce emergency plans to help contain the situation.