North Carolina Proposes Ban on Condoms

General_Assembly_NCGA.com_senate_chamber_3State legislators in North Carolina proposed a ban on teenagers using condoms, arguing their widespread use encourages “immoral behavior.”

The bill, introduced by Republican leaders in the House of Representatives, would make the purchase or use of condoms by anyone under 18 years of age a crime punishable by six months in prison and 90 days of Christian missionary work.

“Condoms have created a culture of permissiveness in our society,” said Rep. Chris Whitless in a speech on the House floor. “Everywhere I go I see kids ‘hooking up’ and ‘bumping uglies.’ They don’t give a damn about the holy sacrament of marriage!

“My best friend has a smoking hot 18-year-old daughter, for example. And when I asked her if she was in a relationship, she said she was ‘friends with benefits’ with someone. Since when is it okay for women to engage in casual sex? I betcha a little gonorrhea would scare that strumpet straight. ”

O’ Brave New World

North Carolina’s condom ban would only be the latest in a series of steps designed to limit access to sexual health services. Last week Republicans introduced a bill requiring women under the age of 18 to get notarized letters of permission from their parents before using contraception.

That legislation, currently on its way to become law, would also require teens to be screened for “emotional disturbances” before being allowed to use birth control.

Rep. Whitless was intimately involved in the creation of both bills, and says in an exclusive interview with The Daily Currant he says that his goal is to promote Christian values in the state.

“If God wanted people to have sex outside of marriage, he wouldn’t have created sexually transmitted diseases. Condoms and birth control subvert the will of the Lord by incentivising an immoral lifestyle.

“If every sexual encounter carries the risk of pregnancy, then these kids would be forced to save themselves for marriage like our Lord commands. Besides, everyone knows that real mean don’t use rubbers.”

Enforcement measures included within the bill would also penalize any store selling condoms to a teenager with a $100,000 fine for each individual condom sold. School administrators will conduct random locker searches looking for the banned items, and employers with teenage employees would have to use an e-verification system to certify their teens are condom-free.

These provisions have caused outrage from liberals and civil libertarians, who see them as unnecessary government intrusions into the private life of the state’s young citizens.

Whitless, however, is undaunted and says that after he efforts on contraception and condoms are completed, he plans on pursuing his other passion: making it harder for women to work outside the home.

“We’re working on a bill that doubles the employment taxes on companies that hire women. Back when I was growing up my mamma, she ain’t do nothing but cook and clean and wash up her children. Those were the good old days.”

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