GIRLFRIEND_2587717bThe U.S. government has been secretly manipulating online dating websites to improve outcomes for their staff.

According to a British newspaper, the NSA and other government agencies have gained direct access to the servers of OKCupid, and PlentyofFish.

Ostensibly to track the movements of terrorists, this access has come to be abused as employees have written advanced algorithms that manipulate the results to favor their own profiles.

“They’ve been using this thing for years to help themselves get dates,” explains cyber security expert Kevin Flynn. “How do you think Edward Snowden found his smoking hot model girlfriend? (pictured)

“No offense. Snowden is a good-looking guy, and he seems very bright. But there’s no way he got a girl like that through normal tactics. Clearly he used covert tradecraft of some kind.”

Good Chemistry

The American national security establishment has been rocked by disclosures of secret surveillance programs by a former contractor employee assigned to the NSA.

According to the leaker, Edward Snowden, the NSA has been collecting data on every phone call made in the United States as well as user data from tech giants Facebook, Apple and Google.

Reportedly launched in 2009, project Infinite Romeo uses advanced statistical analysis to determine the most attractive profiles on dating websites and match them with those of NSA employees.

According to some sources, over time the program was extended to the CIA, FBI, and even certain members of Congress.

“Dennis Kucinich was one of our biggest success stories,” says an anonymous source quoted by The London Register-Guard. “We took a man who looked like an anorexic troll and found him a gorgeous redhead with a hot accent.

“Of course I love the program. It helped me find my wife. But I have started to wonder about its fairness. I can get my friends and colleagues a 95 percent match on OKCupid with any girl in America. Not everyone has that advantage.”

Congressional hearings about Infinite Romeo and its legality are expected to begin next week.


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