Woman Kills Three For Last X-Box at Chicago Wal-Mart

Home Politics Political Woman Kills Three For Last X-Box at Chicago Wal-Mart
Woman Kills Three For Last X-Box at Chicago Wal-Mart

Walmart_exteriorA woman was arrested today for stabbing to death three shoppers at a Chicago-area Wal-Mart in order to secure the store’s last X-Box One.

Mary Robbins, a married mother of two, reportedly wrestled her competitors to the ground before fatally wounding them with a sharpened Phillips head screwdriver. 

The victim’s names have not yet been released, but are said to include a sociology student at Northwestern University, a chemistry teacher at at local high school and a young pregnant woman buying a system for her brother.

Robbins fled the scene and was apprehended at home hours later after police identified her license plates on the store’s surveillance camera. Although many are shocked by the senseless violence, the alleged perpetrator is unrepentant.

“Of course I’d do it all over again,” Robbins proclaimed from a Cook County jail cell. “My little Dustin is going to have an X-Box for Christmas this year. No one can take that away from him. Not even the police.

“Shopping isn’t a hobby for me, it’s a war. So I have to spend a little time behind bars. So what? I didn’t punk out. I fought hard for my family, and I’m proud of that.”

X-Box Dead

Today’s incident of shopping violence comes on the heels of what experts are describing as the deadliest Black Friday weekend ever. All across the country people are dying at an increased pace. This year will drastically exceed last years death totals for this Holiday season.

“The figures we are looking at this Thanksgiving are incredible unnerving… and this data is just from Thursday night. We only use to have to worry about Friday,” said FBI Specialist Harry Carry.

“We had six people trampled to death at the Best buy, four at the Bed Bath Beyond, and two fatal stabbings at Wal-Mart,” said Miami police spokesman Sgt. James Loftus.

Inside a local Target, the crazed shoppers had lost what was rest of their minds. “We came outside and the Quiznos was burnt to the ground by angry shoppers. I think the Target had ran out of some kind of toaster,” said a shopper who wished not to be named because she was supposed to be bailing out her boyfriend who had punched another shopper over a set of soup ladles.

A witness says an old lady beat a kid with her purse in order to get the last toothbrush holder.

“I don’t even have real teeth anymore and have no need for such an item but it was over 35 percent off. I might be old but I’m not dumb, of course I will take advantage of that deal,” says 88-year-old Margaret Robinson.

According to Wal-Mart, America’s largest retailer, the company admits that more than 5,000 shoppers will be killed at their stores this holiday season.

“We include people killed from Thanksgiving to Christmas, so it’s not like they are all dying in one day. Besides, more kids will die making this junk than they do buying it, we see that as a positive,” Wal-Mart spokesman Charlie Hass said.

One shopper, Sami Zayn, described the day as “chaos” and went on to say, “Thanksgiving used to be about fighting with your family, not other shoppers.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.