If you’re concerned about the federal government collecting and storing your personal information online, worry no more.
The National Security Agency (NSA) announced today its new Private Data Buy-Back Program, which will allow ordinary citizens to purchase their personal data — including emails, phone records and browsing histories — removing them from government servers.
According to sources inside the agency, there will be two ways for American Citizens to buy back their private Information. The first (Plan A) would allow US Citizens to buy all their information up front for a hefty price of $20,000. The second (Plan B) would allow them to rent the information on a monthly subscription plan of $30 per month.
Deals have been reached with cell phone and internet providers that allow for the subscription fee to be included in regular monthly statements. If a payment is missed, however, the information would go back into the NSA’s databases.
In a press conference at NSA headquarters in Forte Meade, Md., the agency attempted to explain the plan to a confused public.
“It’s going to be incredibly costly for the average American,” said NSA Marketing Executive Brad Maddox. “And the PLAN B does not relate to the Plan B Morning After Pill, we can’t stress that enough.” As for more details on the price, “It cost a lot of money to collect the data in the first place so we feel it’s only right to cover our cost, then add 20 to 25 percent. That added cost is to help pay down the national debt.”
“The most American thing you could do is purchase your data back from the NSA. With your help we can keep the country safe and secure, plus manage the debt,” said President Obama at his weekly luncheon with major media outlets.
“We are still obviously collecting your data,” Maddox said. “So by the time you buy back the information, data, whatever you want to call it, we will already have another big batch for you to buy. Quite frankly, once we analyze it, it’s just sitting there doing nothing. We will no doubt have customers for life. It’s definitely a great business model.”
“We’ll send you a nice DropBox file,” Maddox said. “Or for a extra fee, we can mail you printed out documents of basically everything you have done online for the past 12 years. The choice is yours.
“We do not recommend showing your significant other any of the info. If you think the divorce rate is high now, this buy back program could annihilate marriage as we know it.”
As for foreigners, they have to pay on a tier based pricing system.
“We feel that (German) Chancellor Angela Merkel’s information is worth much more than some random grape farmer in France,” Maddox said.
“I don’t know what to make of all this,” said Daniel Bryan, a Cleveland barber. “I’d rather not be buried by the authority. I’d almost rather not know what they have on me. I just want to trim peoples beards in peace.”
As to if they will actually erase their data and send you the complete file, Maddox replied, “Of course you can trust us, we are the NSA.”