Happy holidays, everyone!
Oops, we meant Merry Christmas. We know how touchy you Christians are about that, thanks to us.
As two of the world’s richest men, Christmas is our favorite time of year — and our most profitable. There is nothing we love more than people buying stuff, especially stuff they don’t really need or want and can hardly afford. It’s what Christmas is all about.
However, there was a time when our vision of Christmas — and our profits — was under attack and we had to go to war to save it.
It became the War on Christmas. Thanks to
idiots people like you, conservative and liberal, we won it and continue to win it every year.
Life before wartime
The war began years ago, after we were dismayed to see newspaper articles and television reports in which hard-working, middle-class Christian Americans lamented how their celebration and remembrance of Jesus Christ’s birthday had degenerated into crass commercialism, stress, rudeness and selfishness.
The month of love, joy, family, tradition, peace and goodwill was eroding. Instead of eggnog and fireplaces, people thought of overcrowded shopping malls and bratty kids throwing temper tantrums over a toy. Santa Claus was represented by a Coca-Cola commercial or some alcoholic in a suit. Christmas officially began sometime in August.
Remember when Christmas shoppers trampled each other for the Tickle Me Elmo? Yes, this really happened.
We even overheard our own employees grumble about how their hard-earned Christmas bonuses went to buying gifts. (These were the days when employees still got Christmas bonuses. Such simple times.)
This growing public discontent reached America’s corporate boardrooms and marketing departments, which rely on the overt commercialization of cherished holidays like Christmas, Easter, Halloween and Valentine’s Day to fatten our bottom line. We’re not kidding when we say the Valentine’s Day industry is like the Mafia: don’t f**k with those people.
Everyone in Corporate America was scared, so we teamed up to create a war. Americans love war, especially when it’s a war on something.
Our War on Christmas was perfect. The problem isn’t the commercialism and greed; it’s that the salesperson failed to say “Merry Christmas!” when he or she took your credit card. Or that City Hall doesn’t have a nativity scene. The goddamn nerve!
It worked, like when we convinced people that Jesus Christ favored low taxes for the rich.
The best way to divide Americans on any issue is to turn it into liberals vs. conservatives. Conservatives now screamed that Christmas was under attack by a secular liberal media. Liberals responded, “Other religions have holidays in December too.”
It was a Christmas miracle: people arguing over the wrong issue and solving nothing while their legitimate concerns disappeared. A popular uprising against Christmas was averted, and our money kept rolling in. Now, anyone who writes “Xmas” instead of Christmas is a Grinch. We love it.
We couldn’t have won the war without our allies in Washington and the media. Special thanks to Bill O’Reilly and our favorite mouthpiece — or should that be soldier? — Sarah Palin, who’s written a book furthering our cause. (Thanks, Sarah. We have a feeling Santa Koch will fill your stocking full of goodies.)
Onward Christmas soldiers
Speaking of Santa, did you remember to buy your children their iPads, video games, action figures and whatever the hell else the kids want these days? If you don’t, your children will hate you and rebel against your values by becoming hipsters and going to Oberlin. Better buy two iPads just in case.
We hope you’ve also bought the airplane tickets to grandma’s, stocked up on food and alcohol, and purchased more decorations. We know you’re struggling financially — that’s what credit cards and payday loan centers are for.
Did you know that in Britain, the average family won’t pay off their Christmas debts until June? Imagine how f****d you’re going to be.
We wouldn’t have it any other way.
Charles Koch and David Koch are very successful, and that’s all they want you to know.