image00Russia awarded former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum an honorary gold medal today for his work in combating “gay propaganda” around the world.

In a surprise ceremony this morning president Vladimir Putin bestowed America’s most ardent opponent of gay rights with a special edition of Russia’s Order of St. Catherine the Great Martyr, which celebrates achievements in cultural preservation.

Santorum was reportedly in Sochi to attend the men’s figure skating competition, but took time out to accept the honor from one of Europe’s most controversial leaders.

“You’re a hero to us all,” Putin told his American guest at the televised event, “No one has done more to preserve traditional culture from the dangers the international gay agenda.

“When you warned your countrymen that gay marriage would destroy the moral fabric of society, they laughed at you. When you told them gays in the military would be a disaster, they ostracized you.

“And when you compared homosexuality to ‘man-on-dog’ sex, your country abandoned you. They even redefined your family’s name to mean ‘a frothy mixture of fecal matter and lube’. But all the while the Russian people cheered you on.

“Rick Santorum; you are foreign politician who best embodies the human rights policy of Russia. And I want you to know that if America continues down its path of moral decay, you’re always welcome to escape persecution and join Edward Snowden here in the land of freedom.”

Even a Goat

Russia has been under the international spotlight for its policy on LGBT rights in recent years. The country bans gay marriage and bars gay couples abroad from adopting Russian children. In June of 2013 it’s federal parliament unanimously passed a regressive law banning “gay propaganda”.

Even more worryingly, the new discriminatory policies have coincided with a rise in violence against gays. Although most Western politicians have criticized Russia’s stance, for Santorum America’s Cold War foe has taken a step towards utopia.

“I’ve been a critic of Russia’s foreign policy in the past,” he admits, “But with regards to the homosexual agenda, Moscow is light years ahead of the United States.

“In America, we’re moving backwards with multiple states permitting gay marriage. While in Russia, you can’t even talk about homosexuality without risking being thrown in jail. That is what progress looks like.”

Santorum is so enamored with Russian hosts, he has even struck up a personal friendship with Putin himself. According to local reports, the two men are reportedly set to go horseback riding together in the mountains after the games.

In a brief statement a spokesperson for the State Department called the award a private matter, and had no further comment.

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