Invading Ukraine Will Be Quick and Painless

27523_5_As I write this, the United States is facing the greatest foreign crisis in our entire history: a showdown between pro-America Ukraine and Vladimir Putin’s pro-evil Russia.

It’s a greater crisis than Syria, Libya, Iran, North Korea, Egypt, Tunisia, Yemen, Pakistan, China, Georgia, Somalia, Burma, Venezuela, Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel and Palestine. Well, maybe not all those places, but pretty damn close.

While President Obama sits on his hands and waits for diplomats to take care of things, Putin plays chess with the world as an arrogant, belligerent bully, interfering in other countries and demanding their leaders and people act however he wants them to act. Where does he get the nerve?

That’s why we as Americans need to stand united together and send a message that we’re not going to allow Putin’s aggression, and if necessary we will intervene in Ukraine with the military or otherwise — but preferably with the military.

You can help support the peaceful, liberty-loving Ukrainians by joining the U.S. military today.

By joining the military, you will send a powerful message to President Obama and the peaceniks in Washington, D.C. that we stand with Ukraine and are willing to fight for them, and die for them if necessary.

So if you’re between ages 17 and 34, join the military today and demand that Obama stand strong against Russian aggression by deploying you to Ukraine. If you’re too old to join — as I am, being 61 years old — but have military-eligible children or grandchildren, then do your patriotic duty and sign them up. (They’re probably unemployed anyway.)

Sleeping Bear

Now, some of you may be wondering if it’s wise to tempt a war with Russia, which has a huge army, nuclear weapons, an ultra-nationalist president who has a lot to lose, and a population that doesn’t really want a war.

Nonsense. As any brilliant military tactician and strategist (like myself) can probably tell you, Ukraine is a cakewalk and I can personally guarantee that a full-scale U.S. invasion of the country will lead to zero casualties. Here’s why:

First, Ukraine is smaller than both Afghanistan and Iraq combined. Our military can handle an invasion — as long as we don’t invade during the winter as Napoleon and Hitler did, of course. Plus, American troops would be sent to Crimea, not to Chernobyl or wherever that place with all the nuclear pollution is.

Second, I’m not convinced Russia’s military could handle us. Have you ever driven on Russia’s roads? I’ve seen documented video footage that proves their roads are extremely dangerous, with constant accidents and head-on collisions. If Russia’s military is as incompetent as their drivers, you will be enjoying a vodka martini on the Crimea’s shores in no time.

Third, as I predicted in Iraq, we will be welcomed as liberators. We already have two allies on the ground: Svoboda, a patriotic political party whose name is Ukrainian for “freedom,” so they must be trustworthy; and the Right Sector, which I’m told is some pro-family Christian group.

Heck, Ukrainians could teach us a thing or two about removing unpopular presidents.

So if you care deeply about the plight of the pro-West, pro-democracy and freedom-loving Ukrainian people, and you want to send a message to Russia that we’re not going to stand for their warmongering and arrogance, then join the military today and demand immediate action.

The rest of us here at home will thank you for your sacrifice.

Bill Kristol is a neoconservative hawk whose political and military expertise comes from playing countless games of “Risk” in college.

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