North Korea announced today that its leader Kim Jung-Un has a perfect NCAA tournament bracket going into the third round of the prestigious collegiate basketball competition.
According to a report by state-owned KCTV news, Arizona’s crushing victory over Gonzaga last night means Kim has accurately predicted every member of the Sweet Sixteen. The 31-year-old dictator is believed to be the only person in the world to have achieved this feat.
“Our dear leader has once again vanquished the capitalist slime with his superior brainpower,” thundered a female news announcer in last night’s broadcast. “While the imperialist scum sided with the largest, most powerful programs, Kim Jung-Un foresaw the power of underdog squadrons like Mercer and Dayton.
“If America ever challenges the great and peaceful nation of North Korea, they will fall harder than Duke in the first round. Just because we are small does not mean we aren’t dangerous.”
This year’s tournament has indeed seen its fair share of stunning upsets, including 14th-seeded Mercer’s victory over Duke and 11th-seeded Dayton’s wins over Ohio State and Syracuse.
A contest sponsored by Warren Buffet promised to give $1 billion to anyone with a perfect bracket at the end of the tournament. Every contestant has already been eliminated.
Although Kim did not officially enter the contest, officials in Pyongyang are hoping Buffet will nevertheless send the billion dollars if their leader keeps his perfect bracket though the championship game.
“The government of North Korea fully expects the capitalist cockroach Warren Buffett to pay us $1 billion for winning his NCAA bracket contest,”explains a spokesperson. “We prefer payment in gold bars, but will accept silver or crates of unmarked U.S. currency delivered directly to the port of Chongjin.”
The North Korean regime’s love of basketball is well known. In a diplomatic trip to the country in 2000, Secretary of State Madeline Albright brought a basketball signed by Michael Jordan as a sign of goodwill. Kim has recently become friends with Jordan’s former teammate Dennis Rodman.
According to sources Kim’s bracket has Michigan State, Louisville, Arizona and Florida in the Final Four with Florida winning it all.