In a close vote the city’s Board of Supervisors passed a resolution this morning barring opposite sex couples in the city from marrying one another effective immediately. All existing unions between one man and one woman will also be nullified.
“Heterosexuals are different than us, and therefore inferior,” explains Rick Mantorum, a gay supervisor who led the anti-straight marriage effort. “They don’t deserve to be married any more than dogs do.
“Marriage legitimizes the heterosexuals’ unnatural choices. And it gives them the respect they need to start recruiting our children into their lifestyle.
“Here in California gay marriage is a brand-new institution. We need to protect it from the heterosexual agenda.”
The ban has gained wide support across the political spectrum in San Francisco, with everyone from Marxists and communists to socialists praising its implementation. It has even attracted support from the city’s growing community of gay evangelical Christians.
“Heterosexuality is an abomination against God,” explains the pastor at Rock Hard Ministries, a local church. “Jesus never had a girlfriend. He spent all of his time with 12 hot, young men who liked to get on their knees.”
The new law doesn’t seem to bother the few remaining straight couples in the city, most of whom work in the technology sector and are blissfully unaware of news that doesn’t appear in TechCrunch. Some, however, spot economic opportunity in the post-marriage era.
“Marriage is like so Humanity 1.0,” says Peter Robbins, a local technology investor. “This new ban gives us an opportunity to reprogram the software of human attachment, creating a new gender-agnostic platform for frictionless pair-bonding.”
San Francisco boasts the highest percentage of LGBT citizens of any major city in the United States. It has been at the center of gay culture and politics for decades.