World’s Largest Oil Field Found Off Scottish Coast

186285546The largest oil field in the world was discovered yesterday just 30 kilometers off Scotland’s coast.

As many Scots reeled from the defeat of their push for independence, the British government announced that the massive oil field has the potential to produce up to 15 million barrels a day, if not more, generating trillions of dollars annually for decades.

Located within Scotland’s territorial waters in the North Sea, near the coastal city of Aberdeen, the oil field measures about 560-by-80 km (348-by-50 miles), surpassing the second-largest, Saudi Arabia’s Ghawar Field, which produces 5 million barrels a day.

“To think we believed Scotland’s oil was running out, when there’s enough oil here to last hundreds and hundreds of years,” Jock Grant-Menzies of the British Treasury told BBC News. “I would hate to be in the Middle East right now. Whoever controls these Scottish oil fields controls the world.”

Scotland’s North Sea oil and gas reserves were a source of contention during the referendum on Scottish independence, with supporters and opponents disputing how much oil was left and if it could economically sustain an independent Scotland.

British Prime Minister David Cameron hailed the lucrative oil field’s discovery, noting it “will make London richer than Dubai.”

“England’s green and pleasant land will now be awash with oil,” he told news reporters outside his official residence at No. 10 Downing Street. “I can only thank God that the majority of Scottish voters chose to reject independence. Now, the oil money will remain here in Britain – well, more specifically London – where it belongs! I’ve already begun taking meetings with the world’s oil companies for drilling rights.”

When asked how much of the future oil revenue would go to Scotland, Cameron responded, “Whatever we choose to give them. I honestly don’t give a toss about those ungrateful twats. I’ll be PM for life thanks to this oil.”

Pro-independence leader Alex Salmond, who served as first minister and Scottish National Party leader until his resignation Friday, suffered a mild heart attack when he was informed about the oil field’s discovery and was quickly rushed to NHS Hospital Edinburgh, where he is recovering.

“I just wish we’d known about this a few days ago before the election,” he told reporters from his hospital bed. “The money from those 5 million barrels a day would have ensured a fairer, more equal, more successful Scotland, just what we wanted.”

Salmond reportedly suffered another heart attack after a BBC News reporter informed him the actual number was 15 million barrels a day.

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