bradyhokecontract7The University of Michigan signed football Coach Brady Hoke to a new seven-year contract this morning.

According to local reports, the new deal will take effect at the end of this season, meaning Hoke will coach the Wolverines though the year 2021. In a campus press conference Michigan athletic director David Brandon explained the surprising move.

“Normally we wait until the season is over to handle these contracts,” he said. “But yesterday’s performance against Utah was so impressive, we decided we had to act fast to keep Brady in Ann Arbor.

“Although we didn’t win the game, we beat this mid-ranked Pac 12 team in passing, rushing, total yards, first downs, and time of possession. That’s what I call Michigan football.

“I sincerely believe we are one or two seasons away from a national championship. Once we learn how to score offensive touchdowns and get our turnovers below four a game, we’ll be unstoppable.”

The Michigan Wolverines lost to Utah yesterday 26-10 in embarrassing fashion, having failed to even enter the red zone once. Combined with its shutout loss to Notre Dame two weeks ago, Michigan is off to perhaps its worst start in a generation.

The Wolverines were once a football powerhouse, but under Coach Brady Hoke the program has continued its long decline into irrelevance. The university appears to believe, however, that Hoke will turn things around long term.

“This is Michigan,” Hoke told the press, “and anytime you have the chance to coach one of the best programs in collegiate history for more than a decade, you take it.

“I’d like to thank Dave Brandon for this tremendous opportunity. He isn’t just the best AD in the country; he’s also been instrumental in the film room helping us break down opposing defenses.

“However, as much respect I have for my friend, I’d like to disagree with him on one point. I think we have a real shot at the championship this year. These players remind me of the 1997 Michigan championship team. They have the same tenacity. The have the same drive. With this new playoff system, anything is possible.”

According to the contract, Hoke will be paid $6 million a year, making him the highest paid coach in college football. The contract also stipulates that he must wear a headset on the sideline during games.

Upon hearing the news fans in Columbus, East Lansing, and South Bend celebrated in the streets.  “My grandchildren will never see Michigan win a single game against OSU,” says one beaming Buckeye fan.

Meanwhile Mark Hollis, Michigan State’s athletic director, has reportedly offered to pay Hoke’s salary.


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