Marlboro Introduces Vitamin-Infused Cigarettes

vitarettesTobacco company Marlboro has introduced vitamin-infused cigarettes called Vitarettes.

The company says it’s targeting the health-conscious smoker as the safer, more nutritious way to smoke.

“Not all chemicals are bad and we added a bunch of good ones,” said Marlboro spokesman Virginia Reynolds told Cigar Aficionado. “Anecdotal studies show smoking vitamins give your skin a healthy glow and can stave off the flu.”

Parent company Philip Morris stated the cigarettes taste “amazingly refreshing” while being “vitatastic.”

This new tobacco smoking product comes at a time when “vapor” smokeless nicotine has become popular among young adults. The “healthy” cigarettes filled with antioxidants are aimed at luring those vapor smokers back to flavor country.

New flavors include Bubblicious, Mountain Green Fresh, and Piña Colada. These new flavors will cost 25 percent more but they claim to provide many antioxidants, omega-3 fatty acids, 250 percent of B-12, and 65 percent calcium of your daily allowance.

Branding an unhealthy product as healthy by adding small amounts of vitamins has worked wonders for sugar-water purveyor Vitamin Water, and Phillip Morris hopes it too can capture some of that magic.

“This is will be the biggest thing to tobacco since menthol,” said Reynolds. “Who has time to eat an orange when you can smoke a quick cig?”

Marketing documents reveal the vitamin cigarettes is great for after the gym and perfect for a midnight snack. “It’s a Flintstones vitamin in a stick.”

The tobacco company claims 4 out of 5 doctors recommend Vitarettes.  Gwenyth McCarthy,  a 45-year-old homemaker, claims the vitamin-infused cigarettes cured her lung cancer in only three months. “Camel gave me cancer and Marlboro took it away. God bless Phillip Morris.”

Reynolds bolstered the claim of their cigarettes curing cancer, saying, “It’s a shame kids won’t be able to intake the nutritional value of our Vitarettes. Kids hate broccoli but history has shown they love the refreshing taste of a Marlboro. Tell your congressman that vitamin cigarettes should be allowed for children.

“For those over eighteen years of age, you can buy our health sticks wherever traditional cigarettes are sold.

“As the old saying goes, a Vitarette a day keeps the doctor away.”

Previous articleSalvation Army Santa Claus Trampled To Death On Black Friday
Next articleColorado Prisons Allowing Recreational Marijuana

Leave a Reply

huzlers