Ann Coulter Caught Masturbating to CIA Torture Report On Amtrak Train

coulteramtrackmasturbationConservative commentator Ann Coulter was caught masturbating to the Senate’s CIA Torture Report in an Amtrak bathroom as she traveled from Washington D.C. to New York City via the Silver Service line on Sunday.

Amy Walker, the Amtrak employee who discovered Coulter, thought the restroom was vacant. When she opened the door, she witnessed Coulter with her legs spread apart and the political pundit playing with her private parts. Coulter, unphased, then told Walker, “Do you mind?” which is when Walker shut the door and patiently waited outside the washroom.

“I waited about 45 minutes until she came out and told me ‘Now you can use the bathroom’ and that’s when I noticed she was holding the Senate’s CIA Torture Report,” said Walker.

A line had formed outside the bathroom with a dozen witnesses confirming Coulter left the restroom with the torture report in hand and a glowing smile on her face.

Multiple passengers waiting in line said, “We were just in D.C., everyone was reading that Torture Report and that was definitely what she was holding.”

The bathroom wait time continued as Walker said, “It took me another 30 minutes to clean up the wet, smelly mess left inside in the bathroom. I’ve seen some crazy stuff on this D.C. to New York train but this was the grossest.

“It’s not every ride a solo porn video is being conducted in your bathroom.”

Amtrak: A Far Better Ride

Last week the Senate released its report into the interrogation tactics used by the CIA against terror suspects in the wake of 9/11. It contained many gruesome details of the torture inflicted on these suspects by American agents, including techniques such as “rectal rehydration” – the act of puréeing food and forcibly feeding it though the prisoner’s rectum.

Coulter is known for her enthusiastic  support for the agency’s torture program, once describing it as the kind of thing Muslims do “on first dates.” She was apparently unable to contain her joy when she learned the details of the torture, which were far more brutal than previously known.

Amtrak, however, was unamused by her actions. Spokesman Thomas Cooper told reporters, “This isn’t Europe. We don’t condone this type of behavior on our trains. We will be looking into the matter and will publish a report when all the findings are assembled and dissected. After our investigation we will determine if banning Ann Coulter from all Amtrak trains will be necessary.

“Our apologies to those affected by the bathroom wait time. We want a family friendly environment here at Amtrak. This isn’t a trucker pit stop off Interstate 80.”

Vice President Joe Biden was also a passenger on the train and told the Washington Times-Picayune, “It’s a quick train ride but not a bad way to pass the time. At least someone got pleasure out of reading that damn report.”

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