Political pundit and radio host Rush Limbaugh has been cast to play the James Bond villain in Sony’s 24th installment of the venerable spy franchise, Spectre.
While historically there hasn’t been a distinct ethnic profile for Bond villains, Limbaugh’s divisive reputation is expected to please audiences worldwide. In another series of hacked Sony emails, one producer vouched, “This is gonna be great. He’s got the voice and face of everyone’s bloated alcoholic, rapey uncle. This guy is relatable, but not so relatable that the people will root for him instead of Bond.”
Limbaugh’s appearance in the film is predicted to go over particularly well in foreign markets where “minorities in developing nations will get a kick out of seeing Bond take down an archetype of ignorant white American privilege,” the producer explained.
“He’s a natural born villain,” said Sony Pictures CEO Michael Lynton. “Who better to play an evil bastard than an evil bastard?”
The email hacks also reveal that Limbaugh almost lost the part to fellow persona non grata, Donald Sterling,; however Sterling’s court proceedings conflicted with the studio’s filming schedule.
While the ink has barely dried on his contract, Limbaugh has proven to be quite the Hollywood diva. His rider specified that the production assistant assigned to him be a registered Republican and that the only women that make eye contact and or speak to him on set be “blonde and a C-cup or bigger.” Limbaugh also demanded that every one of his on-set meals be include half a pound of bacon.
“That’ll really piss off those Hollywood Jews,” Limbaugh retorted. “Look who’s the chosen person is now.”
In addition, Limbaugh stipulated that a Krispy Kreme food truck be placed outside the villain’s trailer during and remain constantly operational for the duration of filming. “If fresh donuts aren’t rolling off the assembly, you better believe I will raise hell. I’ll make Lindsay Lohan look like Dora the Explorer.”
All African-Americans and homosexuals will be banned from set when Rush is shooting unless they’re pre-approved by Limbaugh himself.
“I don’t want my trailer getting looted, or some homo trying and take advantage of me when I’m vulnerable and trying to get in character,” he explained.
Given the ludicrous terms of Limbaugh’s contract, it’s hard to understand why Sony would even bother casting him.
“The upside to all this is that he’s not asking for too much money,” stated Lynton. “We were able to negotiate him out of half his pay, so long as we provide two underage whores to service him throughout production. That’s standard practice in Hollywood.”
Directed by Sam Mendes, Spectre is scheduled to be released in North America on Nov. 6 of this year.