Congress is in panic today after discovering that new and re-elected Congressmen accidentally took their oath of office on a Quran instead of a Bible during swearing-in ceremonies on Capitol Hill.
The embarrassing mix-up was revealed to the new and reelected members of the House and Senate as they convened for the new session. Vice President Joe Biden was speaking with House Speaker John Boehner when he opened up the book and reportedly asked why the inside text was written in “funny lines, dots and squiggles.”
Boehner realized it was a Quran and profusely apologized to Congress for the mistake, promising to redo the ceremony. But the damage was already done, as senators and congressmen alike went into a panic.
“This is it! This is the Muslims’ grand plan for world domination!” Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert yelled. “I’m a Muslim now. Free Palestine! Death to the West! Oh Allah it begins.”
“Are you with CNN? C-Span? Turn that f*****g camera off,” New York Rep. Peter King screamed at a news cameraman. “The voters can’t see or hear about this. I said turn that f*****g camera off.”
“First Europe was Islamicized, now it’s us. We’re doomed!” added Republican Sen. Bob Corker of Tennessee, the incoming Foreign Relations Committee chairman.
Several congressmen demanded the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool be blessed by a chaplain so they could “wash the Muslim stink off,” as New York Democratic Sen. Chuck Schumer put it.
Several Republican congressmen blamed Biden for orchestrating the switch on behalf of President Obama, but Biden quickly denied it.
“If I was gonna prank Congress like this, I would’ve switched the Bible with a Harry Potter book or something,” Biden said. “Although I gotta admit this is better. Did you see Louie Gohmert running around like his ass is on fire, screaming ‘Allahu Akbar’? God damn that’s funny.”
Capitol library assistant Ash Williams admitted he was responsible for the Bible mix-up..
“They told me to grab the leather book, so I grabbed the leather book,” he said. “How was I supposed to know the Quran looks just like the Bible? I thought it’d be like the Necronomicon or something.”
Despite the ensuing uproar, Tea Party-endorsed first-term Nebraska Sen. Ben Sasse remained calm, even smiling at his colleagues’ over-the-top behavior.
“It’s just a stupid old book; I mean, these Abrahamic religions are all the same,” Sasse said. “I’m an atheist but I pretend I’m a devout Christian so the idiots at home will elect me. I’d pretend to be Muslim if it helped.
“By the way, this interview is off the record, correct?” Sasse added.
Congress’s only Muslim member, Democratic Rep. Keith Ellison of Minnesota, seemed unconcerned after learning he took his oath on a Bible, which was switched with the Quran in the confusion.
“Decades of misconceptions and conflict between the U.S. and the Muslim world, and this nonsense still happens,” he reflected. “With these people in charge, the next two years in this country are going to be interesting.”