Republicans Rebrand Keystone Pipeline As ‘Freedom Juice Highway’

178280934Republicans in Congress have decided to rebrand the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline as “Freedom Juice Highway.”

The pipeline would take oil from Canadian tar sands and deliver it to multiple locations in the United States. Environmentalists are opposed the construction of such new pipelines, and Obama has vowed to veto the bill when it reaches his desk.

“With a new name like ‘Freedom Juice Highway,’ it will be hard to veto,” Senate Leader Mitch McConnell told The New York Times. “Could anyone be against freedom? If the president doesn’t vote for freedom, he’ll be showing his true colors.”

The pipeline bill is expected to pass the House next week and delivered to Obama’s desk thereafter. House Leader John Boehner said the rebranding is “a better description of what the pipeline is: freedom from the Middle East.

“Ask any American: do they want Freedom Juice and do they want it in highway form? The answer is overwhelmingly yes.”

The timing is also meant to add pressure to the president.

“We are adding some zing to the project. Sounds like something you want going through your backyard,” Boehner said.

Obama had stated he wished for an infrastructure bill to rebuild highways and bridges. “The Freedom Juice Highway will have both of those things. He’ll be going against his own State of the Union promises if he vetoes the Freedom Juice Highway bill,” Boehner added.

Rebranding has had mixed results in the Unites States. Coca-Cola famously tried to rebrand, but its plan backfired. But it has worked for private army Academi, formerly known as Blackwater.

Academi spokesman Scott Duetch told Bloomberg News, “Blackwater was tainted by all our unethical behavior. Now with the Academi, you never see our name mentioned in the news for borderline war crimes.”

The White House Bites The Dust  

White House spokesman Josh Earnest told The Washington Post, “We know what they are trying to do and it won’t work. Just because the bill has the name ‘freedom’ in it, when he vetoes the bill it doesn’t mean President Obama is against freedom.

“Have you looked outside? Gas prices haven’t been this cheap in years.”

In reality, oil still needs to be transported whether through trucks or trains and with dozens of existing oil pipelines already supplying the gooey substance, Republicans have questioned what difference one pipeline would make. But with an $8 billion price tag to build the pipeline from Alberta, Canada, to Texas, Democrats firmly believe there are safer and cleaner alternatives.

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, for his part, has proposed collecting everyone’s farts and retool automobile engines to use methane.

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