Islamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.
“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammed. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”
ISIS had been seeking the large amount of money to help acquire more users. “Our user acquisition cost is very high. We gotta move them from Europe to the middle east, undetected, and with modest comfort,” said Muhammed. “Not only do we need to acquire new users but we need to satisfy our current base. These millennials want all sorts of things.”
Social media has been crucial to the growth of ISIS and will continue to grow it’s social media arm with some of the funds.
Academi CEO Erik Prince told the London Financial Times, “It just made sense for us. The middle east is the war that keeps on giving. They grow, we can grow. Our Ten year projection is outstanding for our investors.”
The $15.6 billion raise values ISIS at $80 billion, roughly twice of car sharing service Uber.
Prince said, “And the good thing about war is that we know it’s not a bubble. We know millions of people are willing to die for their God. It’s a win-win for both sides and should last for decades to come.
“There is much concern of a tech bubble in Silicon Valley, so diversifying into religious battles seems like a great idea.”
The two main purposes for the money is to acquire new users and purchase anti-drone radars along with other weapons.
Another Hut Bites The Dust
Left wing groups are furious over the continuous profiteering of war. Former senator Bernie Mack said, “This is terrible. We can’t have these venture capital companies invest in firms capable of putting Americans lives at risk.”
It was noted that investors invest in chemical plant and coal plants that pollute parts of America all the time so why not invest in a part of the world that’s thousands of miles o=away and will not harm our water supply.
“In this case C is for cunt funding,” joked and anonymous tech investor. “Why are we giving these little cunts so much money?”