Ted Cruz: ‘I Masturbate To The Bible Every Night’

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Ted Cruz: ‘I Masturbate To The Bible Every Night’
Photo: Gage Skidmore

At a town hall meeting in Arlington, Texas today Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz went to extreme measures to court the Evangelical vote.

“I masturbate to the Bible every night,” he told the audience, “That’s how much I love God. And that’s how much I love America. And as an American, I’m not afraid to say it.”

The town hall crowd erupted in applause to the statement. “It’s all about family values. Sex with women is for reproduction. Sex with God is for love,” said Cruz.

“My wife Heidi loves to watch me inseminate God’s book with his love. Thank you Heidi.”

Cynthia Smith, 76, told The Biblical Times, “I bet Obama doesn’t even own a Bible, yet alone masturbate to it. Cruz has my vote.”

Reporters were shocked by the statement, but “the crowd ate it up,” said USA Today reporter Paul McCain. “Cruz sure knows how to play to his base.”

This was apparent while he gave a 30 min speech to a large group at Lobster University, the largest Christian University in the US.

“As they say, any reaction from the crowd is better than no reaction at all.”

Cruz’s campaign has now issued their slogan to be ‘Come With Me. Come with the Bible.’

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