goodellNFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today a $1.25 million bounty on any player who can take out Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s knees, resulting in an injury lasting at least four weeks.

During the final press conference before the National Football League 2015 season, Goodell explained the bounty had become necessary after a federal judge overturned Brady’s suspension for ‘Deflate-gate’.

“I want his knees taken out, said Goodell, “I guarantee Tom Brady will miss at least four games this season or my name isn’t Roger Goodell, damnit. I get what I want, when I want it.

“Listen, I’m a humanitarian, it’s not like I said hit him in the head. That’s fair game to me. This will show the rest of league not to take me to court or challenge my power as judge, jury, and executioner. Call me the Don.”

Real estate mogul Trump actually has a trademark on the ‘Don’ but Goodell reportedly has plans on taking the trademark case to court.

Later, at a fine Italian restaurant in New York’s little Italy Goodell resumed his press conference saying, “I’m the Godfather of football and Mr. Brady will soon find out my true power.”  

“No one is to touch Gisele Bundchen, however,” said Goodell. Brady’s supermodel wife is off limits by Don Goodell. “This is business, the family is to be remained untouched, especially women. The NFL does not condone violence against women. Unless it’s not recorded on tape or the police are not called. It also helps to be white in those cases.”

The Patriots open the football season Thursday night against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 5pm. Goodell is under pressure from other owners to punish the Patriots after the 2008 ‘Spy-gate’ debacle, .

QB Brady had knee surgery in 2008 which resulted in missing the rest of the season. At his current age of 38, major knee surgery would most likely result in his early football retirement.

While most of the United States would be ecstatic with the news, New Englanders would be crying in a ball of their own tears and feces.


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