President Obama has wasted no time finding a replacement for conservative Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, who passed away yesterday.
At a press conference this morning at the White House, he officially announced his intention to nominate Dr. Jacob Jones – a prominent abortion doctor – to the post.
“Everybody knows how much I love abortion” Obama told reporters.”And I want to make sure this important American institution will last for generations.
“So that’s why I’m appointing someone uniquely qualified to be the next Supreme Court justice – a lawyer who’s also an abortion doctor.”
Dr. Jones studied law at Harvard University and practiced privately for 10 years before returning to John Hopkins for a medical degree. For the past 20 years he has served as the chief medical officer of Smart and Final – a wildly popular chain of abortion clinics in Southern California.
“Over the course of my career I’ve performed thousands of abortions,” Jones tells this newspaper. “And I loved doing each and every one of them.
“When I get to the Supreme Court, my number one priority will be expanding access to abortion. And it doesn’t matter what kind of case comes before us – free speech issues, criminal justice, maritime law – I will find a way to insert some sort of pro-abortion language into every single one of my decisions.”
“I promise the American people that I will go to work everyday with one thing on my mind: abortion, abortion, abortion.”
“We’re going to make sure women can get abortions anywhere, anytime. Universities. High schools. Football stadiums. Theme parks. I believe the Constitution requires that the government construct abortion clinics any place women might need them.”
“And as far as I’m concerned, we should have an abortion clinic on the grounds of the Supreme Court itself. ”
Although Jones’ positions on the topic of abortion are rather extreme, pundits predict his nomination should sail through the Republican controlled Senate.
“They’ve let Obama walk all over them for seven years,” says one GOP insider. “Why stop now?”