Alabama Legalizes Weed For White People

alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Gov. Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. 

“White people have proven they can use marijuana responsibly,” said Bentley, who championed the legislation.  “Black people have to earn that right. I know people will take this the wrong way but it’s true.

“It will still be harder to buy marijuana than to buy an assault rifle. But we are a progressive state and legalizing weed for whites is a good start.”

The Cotton Gazette reports how the law will be enforced. Caucasians will need to apply for a permit to buy and possess cannabis. A visual test will be conducted to ensure the applicant is white enough.

Billy Bob Carson has been put in charge of the Weed for Whites program and spoke to reporters. “If you’re white and caught without the proper paperwork, the same penalties apply as if you were black, so it’s not racist. It just so happens you need to be white to get the paperwork, but we’ve had a long history of laws like this in Alabama.”

U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., told the Gazette, “Black people have ruined marijuana for themselves. We whites deserve to use it without fear of persecution. Just because a black kid smokes some weed and robs a store, it doesn’t mean a white kid shouldn’t be allowed to smoked pot and watch TV.

“Haven’t you seen them blacks rioting in the streets lately? I don’t know what that’s all about but it certainly isn’t civil.”

Biracial people will be limited to the amount they can buy. “We only trust biracial people half way so it only makes sense to allow them to have half the weed. That’s just the math,” Carson said.

Bentley spoke of his optimism, saying, “I can see black people affording the right to buy weed legally in the next 10 to 15 years. They’ll have to prove they can handle it. They can do that by behaving themselves and pulling up their pants so we don’t see their underwear.”

Black activists are in shock from the state’s new legislation.

“Where do I begin?” asked Rev. Al Sharpton. “No seriously, where do I begin? Am I dreaming? Please, someone wake me up.”

With Alabama prisons composed of 54 percent black men even though they only account for 18 percent of the state’s population, decriminalizing weed for blacks would hugely benefit the African-American communities. “You have sons who will never see their fathers because of a dime bag,” said Sharpton. “And now white people can buy the pot at stores and be home in time for family dinner.”

Barring any court challenge, the law will take effect on Jan. 1.

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