Law enforcement authorities across the United States are struggling to contain an epidemic of bestiality days after the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide.
Almost immediately after the decision was announced last Friday, throngs of psychologically normal people suddenly became attracted to animals and began to act upon their urges.
According to FBI statistics, an estimated 2.3 million Americans have sexually assaulted an animal in the past five days, 400,000 of which have been arrested and charged.
All the country’s major zoos have been closed in an attempt to keep the voracious hordes away. Sea World has halted operations after several blowhole-related incidents. And Texas governor Greg Abbott has deployed 20,000 National Guard members to protect his state’s cattle from unwanted advances.
Meanwhile, television channel Animal Planet has suspended broadcasting after discovering a massive ratings spike was caused by viewers pleasuring themselves to wildlife programing.
The story of Jason Anderson, a married father from Portland, Oregon, is typical of the growing epidemic.
“I was driving home from a sales call last Friday when I heard the news about gay marriage on NPR. And almost immediately I got this burning desire to sexually penetrate a live sheep,” he says.
“I had never had those feelings before, but I wanted to run with it. So I typed ‘sheep farm’ into my GPS system and drove 30 miles outside of town. I’m not proud of what I did to those poor animals. But I just couldn’t help myself.”
The rapid increase in zoophilia has shocked public health officials, who had hitherto been under the naive assumption that homosexuality was an innocuous consensual activity that had no bearing on the sexuality of others.
However, anti-gay activist Rick Santorum, who once warned that gay marriage could lead to “man-on-dog sex” now feels vindicated.
“I hate to say I told you so,” he remarked yesterday during an interview with Rachel Maddow on MSNBC, “but I think this speaks for itself. The homosexual agenda is well on its way to destroying America.”
President Obama is expected to address the nation tonight and announce emergency plans to help contain the situation.