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Donald Trump In Critical Condition After Choking on Own Bullshit
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Donald Trump In Critical Condition After Choking on Own Bullshit

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is in critical condition tonight after choking on his own bullshit during a speech in Texas. The billionaire real-estate developer was giving a speech in front of 20,000 supporters at the William T. Anderson memorial coliseum ahead of the state’s primary on Super Tuesday.

Sarah Palin Licks Frozen Flagpole in Iowa, Gets Stuck
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Sarah Palin Licks Frozen Flagpole in Iowa, Gets Stuck

Sarah Palin has reportedly been stuck for several hours after licking a frozen flagpole outside a rally in Des Moines, Iowa this morning. According to witnesses on the scene, the former Alaska governor traced the pole with her tongue “to see what would happen”. Her tongue quickly froze to the metal, and has been cemented...

BET Acquires The Daily Currant for $300
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BET Acquires The Daily Currant for $300

Just one day after Spanish-language television network acquired a controlling stake in The Onion for $200 million, another satirical website mega-deal has been announced. Following weeks of hard-fought negotiations, Black Entertainment Television (BET) has reportedly agreed to purchase a 70% stake in The Daily Currant for $300.

Kim Davis Ascends to Heaven
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Kim Davis Ascends to Heaven

The Kentucky county clerk recently jailed for refusing to issue gay marriage licences ascended into heaven this morning. According to local reports, Davis was about to begin a press conference in her hometown of Morehead when a beam of light from the sky appeared and whisked her into Paradise.

Goodell Places $1.25 Million Bounty On Tom Brady’s Knees
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Goodell Places $1.25 Million Bounty On Tom Brady’s Knees

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today a $1.25 million bounty on any player who can take out Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s knees, resulting in an injury lasting at least four weeks. During the final press conference before the National Football League 2015 season, Goodell explained the bounty had become necessary after a federal judge overturned Brady’s suspension...

Trump Kills Kitten on Live Television, Expands Lead
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Trump Kills Kitten on Live Television, Expands Lead

Many political pundits wrote off Donald Trump’s presidential ambitions after he killed rival Jeb Bush’s pet kitten on live television Saturday. But a new poll released today shows that the eccentric billionaire now leads the GOP field by an even greater margin than before.