Catholic Church to Open Nationwide Daycare Chain

daycareIn a move to restore its battered reputation and generate much needed revenue, the Catholic Church announced plans today for a nationwide chain of for-profit daycare centers.

A new church-owned company, Good Boy Daycare Centers Inc, will establish over 300 child care facilities in all 50 U.S. states over the next two years. It aims to provide a badly-needed service to young parents while simultaneously serving as an outreach vehicle for the declining religion.

The operation will be managed and staffed by childcare professionals, but ultimate authority will rest with Catholic Priests – one of whom will run each center with absolute authority.

“We realize that the recent child rape scandals within our church have really hurt our image,” says Anthony O’Brien, the bishop in charge of the effort,”What better way to restore our integrity than double down on our commitment to God’s youngest disciples?”

“We’re primarily looking for boys to be honest. But we might accept some girls as long as they bring boys with them. An older sister for example.”

 In Loco Parentis 

The church’s plans have caused an outcry because of its involvement in covering up sexual abuse by its priests in multiple countries over the course of many decades. Although the church says its changed its ways since the abuse scandals, some observers aren’t so sure.

Marissa Johnston, a mother of three from Des Moines, Iowa says she’s flabbergasted by the church’s move:

“The Catholic Church?  Day care centers? Seriously? I’d rather send my kids to a porn convention. At least there there’s no touching allowed.”

Mark Raines, a father of two from Santa Monica, CA agrees:

‘This is a joke right? Some sort of put-on? Who would give those dumbf**ks the right to operate a day care center? Jesus Christ! If they set up shop in my neighborhood, the building wouldn’t last the night.”

But for Bishop O’Brien, such concerns are short-sighted and disparage the proud tradition of the Catholic Church;

“I don’t see what the problem is. This county has a vast shortage of child care services. And who better to run a daycare facility than people with moral values based on religion?”

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