Investigation Reveals Lance Armstrong Never Had Cancer

Champion cyclist Lance Armstrong faked his battle with cancer in a shocking effort to gain millions in endorsement deals, The Daily Currant can exclusively reveal.

According to a soon-to-be-released report from the U.S Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), Armstrong used doping doctors to falsify his medical records – fooling sponsors and the public into believing he had recovered from a cancer which had never even existed. 

The revelation of the shocking scam was a surprising result of the ongoing investigation into Armstrong’s alleged doping. The 41-year old Texan has been accused of systemically using performance enhancing drugs for decades, a charge Armstrong denies but has declined to contest in arbitration.

As a result of the charges he has fortified all of his Tour de France titles, lost all of his major sponsorships, and has resigned as president of his charity Livestrong foundation.

The Bigger They Are…

Vincent Cassenoix, leader of the USADA team in charge of the case, explains how they came to uncover the next piece of the Armstrong’s fraudulent story:

“The more we looked at his medical records, the more we saw that something just didn’t add up. He had gone to great effort to hide his pre-1997 records, and when we found them they were only signed by a single doctor, and he wasn’t even licensed to treat cancer.”

Cassenoix says Armstrong planned the scam after a benign lump in his testicles was found in 1995. After that experience Armstrong became convinced that actually having cancer could benefit his career.

The effort came to head in 1996 when Armstrong knew that in order to ease doubts about his condition he needed to fully commit to the cause. He personally performed an at-home self orchiectomy to give the appearance of surviving testicular cancer.

A top oncologist from Princeton University Medical School explains Armstrong’s procedure in layman’s terms:

“Basically he cut his own rocks off. He probably used a pocket knife or something. It must have been pretty grizzly.”

…The Harder Their Balls

Reaction to the news has been largely one of disbelief and outrage.

“I can’t believe he would do that.,” says Sarah Putnam of Santa Barbara, CA “But then again he is a cheater. That’s the problem with cheating. Once you lose your credibility you can’t get it back. People will start suspecting you for all sorts of things.”

Donald Trump, the millionaire socialite and reality TV star, says his once-ironclad faith in Armstrong has been shaken to the core by the revelation:

“I’d do pretty much anything for money, but I’d never sacrifice the family jewels. That’s crazy. This guy’s more of a slimy dirt-bag than I am.”

Not everyone has written Armstrong off, however. Chad Dunham, a 23 year old fan from Eugene, OR says Armstrong will always be a champion in his book:

“It takes a lot of balls to cut your own nuts off. As far as I’m concerned he’s still a hero.”

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here