Missouri Makes It Illegal for Men to Masturbate Without A Woman’s Permission

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Effective this year, a bill sponsored by conservative, pro-life women’s advocacy group Give Motherhood A Chance has now made it illegal for men to masturbate without the notarized permission of their sexual partners.

Since State Rep. Rick Brattin’s attempt to require pregnant women seeking abortions to receive notarized consent from the baby’s father, Missouri lawmakers had entered a heated lobby to cement the state’s stance on reproductive rights.

While this kind of reproductive regulation may be easier to enforce within the confines of marriage, the “Mother, May I?” law seeks to protect the option for motherhood for women both in and out of wedlock. According to the terms of the new legislation, a “sexual partner” is defined as a “woman with whom a man has engaged in sexual relations a minimum of two times over the course of three months.”

Punishments for disobedience will vary from case to case, depending on their severity.  First-time offenders will be subject to “public embarrassment” penalties, including wearing signage that reads “I’m a masturbator.”  If found guilty of a second charge, the violator will have to wear a “penial cage” or “chastity tube,” which physically inhibits the wearer from achieving a full erection without discomfort.  The duration of the punishment will be decided by the presiding judge in the case.  Repeat offenders will have their chastity sentences extended in combination with mandatory community service at local daycares to “learn the rewarding gift of parenthood.”

Earlier drafts of the bill sought to outlaw male masturbation all together.  Give Motherhood A Chance spokeswoman Bonnie Simpleton explained, “We at GMAC believe that life begins at ejaculation, not at conception.  How else can you explain why sperm knows to fertilize an egg?  It’s because sperm have intent, and intent is the foundation of human consciousness.  Masturbation is tantamount to child abandonment and reckless neglect.”

After mass outcry from men’s rights groups, lawmakers revised the bill to regulate masturbation “wherein the potential for parenthood is real and actionable.”  For example, men involved with women clinically diagnosed as barren or women who have undergone procedures (i.e. hysterectomy or tubal ligation) to render them as such, are not held accountable to the new regulation.

What About Rape?

What does the “Mother, May I” law mean for male victims of rape?  Simpleton claims that in instances of “legitimate rape,” male victims are not able to ejaculate.

“The male body has protective mechanisms that inhibit ejaculation during forced intercourse,” she explains. Further, “even if a victim were to ejaculate, his sperm would know better than to fertilize the egg of his rapist.”

Washington has been more forgiving, however.  In instances of compelled sexual activity, “Mother, May I” will require victims to file reports of their assaults within 30 days of the incident and undergo medical and psychological evaluation to prove they did not in fact enjoy or consent to the encounter.

Tests such as PET scans that would monitor the victim’s brain activity, when exposed to photos of their attacker and asked to recount the alleged attack, will all be taken into account.

The evaluations are intended to circumvent what could be lengthy rape trials, and their results would be legally binding until the courts proved otherwise.

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