More than 50,000 unaccompanied children from Central America have arrived at America’s southern border in the last few months hoping to emigrate permanently to the United States. Their presence has caused a humanitarian crisis and provoked anti-immigration protests in several cities.
Although the vast majority will ultimately be deported, the question of what to do with the children in the meantime has proved troublesome, as existing resources are insufficient to meet the surge.
An executive order signed today hopes to solve the problem by allowing the Department of Homeland Security to use these child migrants as day laborers on the U.S.-Mexico border fence construction project.
“As long as they’re here we might as well put them to good use,” White House spokesperson Josh Earnest told reporters this morning in Washington. “The facilities are overcrowded and the children could use some fresh air and exercise.
“Additionally this migration crisis is costing taxpayers billions of dollars. We can recoup at least some of that cost by forcing these kids to earn their keep. This is America. Don’t come here expecting a handout. Expect to work.”
The White House’s new policy appears to have confirmed fears amongst liberals that Obama is more concerned about the issue’s effects on the midterm elections in November than with the human rights of the children, most of whom are fleeing drug-war related violence in their home countries.
“Don’t these kids realize that 2014 is an election year?” an anonymous administration official tells The Daily Currant. “Did they seriously expect to be treated humanely by a Democratic president looking to keep the Senate out of Republican hands?
“I know that its dangerously hot down there and manual labor is never fun. But these children need to look at the big picture. (North Carolina Sen.) Kay Hagan is going to get slaughtered if we don’t neutralize this issue politically.”
Reaction on the Republican side to the new policy has been ecstatic.
“This is better than anything Reagan ever did,” says Ann Coulter, author and conservative commentator. “Don’t get me wrong. Obama is still black and therefore the worst president in history.
“And personally I would have preferred to shoot a couple of these kids in the leg, just to show the parents that we mean business. But nevertheless this is a fantastic move. I’m speechless.”
Coulter wasn’t the only one at a loss for words. According to multiple reports, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh had a spontaneous 3-minute orgasm on-air when the news broke. The video has since gone viral on YouTube.
The only apparent opposition to the White House plan comes from a smattering of extremist organizations such as Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, the Catholic Church, the United Nations, the European Union and the governments of Canada, Australia and Qatar: all of whom have condemned Obama’s order as the illegal use of child labor.
In a statement the U.S. Justice Department challenged that assertion, claiming that it has determined the practice of employing migrant children as legal under U.S. and international law.
“The United States does not engage in child labor. These are simply enhanced juvenile detention techniques,” the DOJ argued.
The children are expected to begin work on the project tomorrow.