The United State Senate’s 500-page torture report revealed more than some ethically precarious interrogation practices; it blew the lid off one of Hollywood’s best kept fitness secrets: rectal re-hydration. Stars have been using anal feeding for over a decade to maintain their waistlines and careers.
Celebrities have long touted the benefits of colon hydrotherapy, which is known to detoxify the body and aid in weight loss. The procedure is one of the ways A-list stars get red carpet ready in a hurry.
“I haven’t chewed food since 2007,” admitted Gwyneth Paltrow to People Magazine. “I don’t believe in eating food through the mouth. That’s for poor people.”
Rectal feeding, or rectal-rehydration, has many benefits according to practitioners. It targets the large intestines and provides a more efficient means for the body to absorb nutrition without the tiresome process of digestion. It also improves dental health by protecting the mouth from the dietary offenders that contribute to tooth decay, such as coffee, citrus fruit, and fellatio.
“However, things like citrus have many benefits, and it is an important source of Vitamin C,” explains Dr. Goopta, rectal re-hydration specialist to the stars. “And you don’t have to cut out caffeine completely. I tailor my rectal feeding recipes to my clients’ individual nutritional needs and lifestyles. Plus, rectally absorbed caffeine is far more potent, and doesn’t wreak havoc on the stomach they way drinking coffee does.”
Many patients have also reported a decreased incidence of flatulence and bloating.
“I used to get so gassy on set, eating all those carbs from craft services. If a picture of my ass could break the Internet, imagine what a fart could do,” gushed Kim Kardashian, “It would be like a nuclear disaster!”
Now that the cat is out of the colostomy bag, luxury clinics have been popping up in Los Angeles, New York and Miami. These spa-style facilities are now offering rectal re-hydration to the public, that is if you can afford the hefty price tag. A typical feeding session, which will provide you the nutrition for three days worth of meals, will cost you $750.
Certain locations are offering extended stays as part of what is known as the “Guantanamo Package.” The Guantanamo Package is complete nutrition and fitness program that includes rectal re-hydration, but also a Sleep Deprivation Cardio and Prolonged Standing Muscle Toning Classes.
The program, which was developed and trademarked by Dr. Goopta, lasts 10 days, but you’ll leave looking like you just spent two weeks in the Caribbean, not two weeks living in Wisconsin.
Rumors have been circulating that Dr. Goopta is opening an exclusive resort offering all of his trademark services somewhere on the Cuban coast. The waiting list has already reached three months long.