Sarah Palin To Replace Hasselbeck on ‘The View’

110804_sarah_palin_605Former Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is set to replace Elizabeth Hasselbeck on ABC’s daytime talk show The View.

The controversial conservative figure has reportedly signed a $10 million five-year deal to join Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri Shepard and fellow newcomer Brooke Shields in a revamped lineup designed to stoke spirited discussions.

The arrival of Palin and Shields replenishes the venerable show’s roster following the departures of longtime hosts Joy Behar and Hasselbeck, who was finally fired today after intense speculation surrounding her status on the show.

Palin’s deal is especially important because it fills the need for a conservative viewpoint, a role which Hasselbeck had hitherto played.

“We felt like we needed to replace Elizabeth with a leading conservative woman,” said Charissa Gilmore, vice president of ABC Television Group. “Naturally, our thoughts turned to Sarah Palin who is both a conservative icon and a media whore…er star rather. Sorry.”

Prepare for Battle

Palin contract purportedly comes with a clause forcing her to read newspapers and magazines every day for the entire length of her tenure. Not to be outdone, Palin has requested copies of the Financial Times, The Economist, Foreign Affairs, National Journal, Roll Call, and the scientific journal Nature.

“I’m just so grateful for this opportunity to debate with the big girls,” Palin says while shopping at Carrs in Palmer, Alaska. “I’ve been reading up and preparing my talking points.

“Ask me about anything. The civil war in Syriana, the India-Pakistan fight over cashmere production, Putin’s attempt to invade Atlanta, or Queen Elizabeth’s decision to pull U.K. troops out of Afghanistan.

“Personally I think it’s a travesty that Obama refused to mine the harbor in Savannah. It leaves us exposed for the next assault.”

Palin also expressed joy to be working with her new co-hosts, all of whom she has admired for decades.

“Oh I’m just so excited to be working with Whoopi,” Palin said. “I’m such a huge fan of her work in The Help and Eat, Pray, Love. Sometimes it seems like these people are mostly all in jail or on welfare, but she’s one of the good ones.”

The subtle racism of mistaking Goldberg for Viola Davis is just one example of why Goldberg, a stand up comedian and actress, has in the past expressed extreme dislike of the former Alaskan governor.

Goldberg’s intense hatred of Palin have caused some to speculate that she too might leave to show. But according to the comedian herself, she’s just re-upped her contract and is ready to do battle.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna show this Eskimo Queen who’s boss.”

A spokesperson for Shields explains that she’s elated to be working again and is looking forward to introducing herself to a new generation of women who don’t exactly know who the prominent 1990s actress is.

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