Woman Kills Three For Last 85-Inch 4k TV at Denver Walmart

Walmart_exteriorA woman was arrested today for stabbing to death three shoppers at a Denver-area Walmart in order to secure the store’s last 85-inch Samsung 4K definition television, which was on sale for $299.99.

According to local reports, Mary Jane Robbins, a married mother of two, reportedly wrestled her competitors to the ground before fatally wounding them with a sharpened Phillips head screwdriver.

The victims’ names have not yet been released, but are said to include a sociology student at the University of Northern Colorado, a high school chemistry teacher from Broomfield and a young pregnant woman buying the TV for her brother.

Robbins fled the scene and was apprehended at home hours later after police identified her license plates on the store’s surveillance camera. Although many are shocked by the senseless violence, the alleged perpetrator is unrepentant.

“Of course I’d do it all over again,” Robbins proclaimed from a Denver County jail cell. “My family is going to have that sweet TV for Christmas this year. No one can take that away from us. Not even the police.

“Shopping isn’t a hobby for me, it’s a war. So I have to spend a little time behind bars. So what? I didn’t punk out. I fought hard for my family, and I’m proud of that.

“The crisp, clear picture quality of a 4K TV will make this all worth while but I’m sure as hell not paying full price. I’ll kill before I pay retail.”

Thanks For Nothing

Today’s incident of shopping violence comes on the heels of what experts are describing as the deadliest Black Friday weekend ever. All across the country people are dying at an increased pace. This year will drastically exceed last years death totals for this holiday season.

“The figures we are looking at this Thanksgiving are incredible unnerving… and this data is just from Thursday night. We only use to have to worry about Friday,” said FBI Specialist Harry Carry.

“We had six people trampled to death at the Best Buy, four at the Bed Bath & Beyond, and two fatal stabbings at Walmart,” said Miami police spokesman Sgt. James Loftus. “And I hear a Salvation Army Santa Claus was trampled to death up in Cleveland.”

Inside a local Target, the crazed shoppers had lost what was rest of their minds. “We came outside and the Quiznos was burnt to the ground by angry shoppers. I think the Target had ran out of some kind of toaster,” said a shopper who wished not to be named because she was supposed to be bailing out her boyfriend, who had punched another shopper over a set of soup ladles.

A witness says an old lady beat a kid with her purse in order to get the last Hello Kitty toothbrush holder. “I don’t even have real teeth anymore and I don’t know what a Hello Kitty is but it was 40 percent off,” said Gretchen Larke. “I might be old but I’m not dumb, of course I will take advantage of that deal.”

According to Wamart, America’s largest retailer, the company admits that more than 5,000 shoppers will be killed at their stores this holiday season and tens of thousands wounded.

“We include people killed from Thanksgiving to Christmas, so it’s not like they are all dying in one day. Besides, more kids will die making this junk than they do buying it, we see that as a positive,” Walmart spokesman Seth Ambrose said. “The amputations are just apart of life.”

With 4k televisions having more than three times the clarity of old high definition TVs, it was the hottest holiday item and normally retails for $8,499.99.

Last year at the same Walmart, a woman killed three shoppers over an Xbox One. The shopping plaza has vowed to increase security for the next shopping season and has admitted these stories are getting a little embarrassing.

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